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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26289364">When Are You Going to See Me?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headsareoverheels/pseuds/Headsareoverheels'>Headsareoverheels</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Support, F/M, Feels, Izzy is also mentioned, Jace and Clary are mentioned, M/M, Malec, No Happy Ending Fest, Rejection, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, communication problems, crossposted, trigger warning, two-part story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:54:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,168</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26289364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Headsareoverheels/pseuds/Headsareoverheels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Honestly, the title should just say "angst and a love for Alec Lightwood."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood/Original Character (One-Sided), Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When Are You Going to See Me?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: Cassandra Clare/Judith Lewis owns The Mortal Instruments, and Freeform owns Shadowhunters. I own only my plot and original characters, the Lo family. I have crossposted this work on FF.net and Wattpad under the same pen name.</p><p>TRIGGER WARNING: HINTS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec Lightwood went on a two-week trip with his parents a few days ago, on Sunday. He left his boyfriend, Magnus Bane, in a household he very much trusted. The Lo Household is relatively new when compared to the other ancient houses like the Herondales and Truebloods, often spat on by them and other traditional families. There was one person in particular that encouraged him to leave his beloved there. </p><p>"He can't be left alone now, Alexander," his friend argued after learning that Alec was planning to leave with his family in an attempt to restore their favor peacefully. "Everywhere he goes, the slanders go with him. Even in his apartment, there are some who would dare to bring him harm. He relies on you quite a lot, Al. Jace is staying over at Clary's and they need personal space, Izzy is leaving with you, and Catarina is busy at the Academy. Besides, well... haven't you noticed lately?" </p><p>"Yeah... I don't feel right leaving him alone for any period of time either." Alec sighed and ran his hand through his dark hair. "What do you suggest I do? Take him with me? Hire a babysitter? Something tells me he wouldn't like either option." There was a pause of silence before a response was quietly given. </p><p>"He could stay with me. My parents will be back from their diplomatic meeting next week. I will be there for the previous week when they are not, invite some cousins perhaps. You won't have to worry about him. We are very open-minded people. Warlocks like him are fine." </p><p>"No offense, but that would create a very awkward situation at the very least—"</p><p>"You would question the hospitality of the Lo Household?" Alec opened his mouth to retort but seemed to think twice about it and closed it.<br/>
<br/>
"Sorry. I was voicing my worry, nothing more. Your family was one of the only ones in our community that didn't judge my relationship with Magnus or his being a warlock. You've all earned my great respect." This earned a neutral nod. Before he turned to leave, Alec spoke once more.</p><p>"Thank you, Velis. I'm trusting you."<br/>
<br/>
"Of course."</p><p>That was over four days ago. This is the fifth day Magnus Bane is staying at the Lo Household with Velis. Magnus was feeling particularly like an idiot. He's a warlock, he has lived nearly twenty score years already, so what was it that made the whispers of the world frustrate him so much? Perhaps it was knowing that the one he loved was so integrated into a society that had now changed into a set of norms he couldn't fit into. His very birth disturbs them, and his sexual orientation is a sin. He didn't doubt the love of Alec, but he worried about the sacrifices Alec would have to make. How much hurt would they both have to go through before being fully allowed to be together? Would they receive acceptance? A teenage girl probably feels this type of anxiety too, and when remembering that, Magnus likes to bug Chairman Meow or Church, sometimes both if they are in the same room. It doesn't even matter; Alec is worth it. </p><p>
  <em>Alec is worth it. </em>
</p><p><em>Alec is worth it.</em> </p><p>"So Margery just dropped by," said Velis, standing in the doorway, surprising the old warlock. "She brought an apple pie and we got milk to go with it. You did eat the breakfast I made you, right?" </p><p>"Indeed, it was eaten and licked clean," Magnus replied slyly. The truth was, he gave the dish to his cats, and they ate and licked the plate. Still, his words were not lies, and Velis was none the wiser.</p><p>"Good." And just like that, the small figure left and wandered off into the halls. Magnus didn't know how to react to his host since Velis didn't seem to harbor anything against his birth or his sense of fashion. It pleased him to have a person who accepted him for company, but thoughts of what Downworlders called Alec and what Shadowhunters called Magnus gnawed at the back of his mind. Quickly, Magnus scooped up Church and made his way to the apple pie he suspected was in the kitchen. </p><p>Margery was a kind woman who would stop by to drop off pastries for Velis every day he's been there so far. The first time, it was a basket of fruit and cream cheese pastries. Velis had introduced Magnus the moment he entered the room. </p><p>"Marge, this is Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn. Magnus, this is my parabatai, Margery Neovitalia. She runs a bakery, and every time she comes over, she's usually bringing me physical proof of God." Margery laughs.</p><p>"They're just sweets!"</p><p>"I still love them and you even more," replies Velis happily, placing the newly-given basket onto a gothic ebony table a few steps away. "Help yourself." Magnus realized it was directed to him, and ever since, he's grown to appreciate Margery as well. There was also Grayson, a vivacious young boy, who prefers to go by Gray. Apparently, Velis was his cousin and looks after him when his parents' work shifts coincide and they aren't there to look after him.</p><p>"I'm going to become a Shadowhunter, just like Velis! So cool and strong!" The ten-year-old fisted the air and kissed his developing biceps, making Velis chuckle and ruffle his hair. "My thanks, Gray." The atmosphere every day was calming. It was the night that troubled Magnus. He found out on the first night that he couldn't stay asleep for long. It was like his mind had trouble relaxing and would wake him up with worries, or if he managed to fall asleep, he would have nightmares. Awful, horror-filled nightmares. </p><p>But Magnus is a warlock. He reminds himself of all the years he lived before meeting Alec, a time that now eludes his heart since he met his light in the dark. But he survived without Alec just fine and has had nightmares like these before. Magic was almost always his answer. </p><p>So why isn't it working now?</p><p>And he knows that the Lo family was actively trying to cheer him up, <em>he's not stupid</em>, but it's not like he wants to feel this way. His brain wouldn't shut up. His heart couldn't stop feeling worried. He doesn't understand why it's so bad right now, but he needs Alec. Alec is gone and won't be back for nine more days and ten more nights. He's alone in his room. </p><p>It's the fifth night, and now Magnus is familiar with the loneliness in the room. Tonight, he is transfixed on the stars outside the window; they're beautiful. As he looks, he feels too far away from them, and there's a pang in his heart. He's tired of feeling so far away from the light. Deciding he's had enough, Magnus conceals the sound of his steps and leaves his room. He walks through the modest halls, which may appear grand to a mortal but pales in comparison to the vanity of the older houses. And then, while walking through the house, he finds exactly what he was looking for. </p><p>There was a room on the left, door left ajar. Through it, one could see the interior. It was mostly empty, and whatever was inside was covered by white sheets. But on the opposite wall was a balcony. It curved outward from the wall, and the railings were a simple yet decorative design of wood. Almost hypnotized, Magnus walks inside, returning the door in its not-quite-closed position, and grips the ledge of the balcony. After half a moment, he sits on it and is filled with pure delight; the voices are gone. He feels closer to the sky and the stars. It isn't sleeping, but it's by far a better situation than before. But maybe he can relax now since it seems like it's safe here. His head is quiet. But of course, if something isn't making him feel bad, he does it himself. </p><p>Of course, right when everything felt better, he had to break down. It felt like a good time to cry, felt like his battle with the night was over. He realizes after he can't stop crying that it's not just the nights he's crying about. And that makes him cry harder. He's confused as to why it's so hard to be alone when he was alone for hundreds of years. He doesn't understand why he can't let himself enjoy things, and it seems clear now that he's been causing his own misery. Something is wrong with him. And Alec.</p><p>Oh, Alec.</p><p>Alec is risking so much for him. His own family treats him like a pariah but not because of him, per se. The only thing he's done wrong was love Magnus. They didn't hate Alec for being Alec, they hated Alec for choosing the ancient, half-demon man. But Alec didn't give up on either of them. He's gone right now because he's trying hard to reconnect with his parents for Magnus's sake. He wants them to understand why he loves his boyfriend and why he's proud of him, of them. Suddenly, Magnus feels a flood of shame. There's no way Alec can be proud of him, especially right now. Being in love isn't new to him, but it's been so long, and Magnus knows what he feels for Alec is a hundred times stronger than what he ever felt for anyone else. Magnus cares about his approval, and he wants the best for him. How can he be the best for Alec? He's literally the worst problem in his life.</p><p>And just like that, Magnus sees the distance between him and the ground. It shocks him. It was something always in his peripheral but never his focus. He's tried this before but underestimated his body's nature and lived another century. Maybe because it isn't his first time, he's not shaking uncontrollably like that night. He's dead calm. </p><p>His right foot dips lower, and he swings it before slowly leaning forward.</p><p>A hand quickly bunches up the back of his shirt in its grip. "Trouble sleeping?"</p><p>He freezes. There's a beat of stillness and anticipation but then the hand lets go and a body plops down next to him on the ledge.</p><p>"I had a feeling you weren't actually enjoying the night like you said you were."</p><p>"What gave it away? The dark circles?"</p><p>"The eye bags."</p><p>He looks because he's still surprised, but sitting in a dark attire to his right is Velis, as he presumed. He would've kept up the banter but he's lived too long to not notice. He knows what an angry person feels like. Velis is enraged. Distantly, he appreciates that it's anger instead of sadness or pity. He can also tell, by the way the same hand keeps fidgeting, that Velis is trying to say something, and he figures that waiting to hear it isn't too tall an order. He can handle it. If he can't... well, that's fine too, now.</p><p>"Why would you ever," a shuddered breath breaks off but then continues in a whisper, "do this to Alec?"</p><p>"I don't know. I don't know. I don't—really, I don't know." It's all he can say, and immediately, a lot of anger leaves Velis's body. Usually, he'd hate sympathy from others. He can hear Alec's voice speaking to him, the words he said to him before he left. <em>They are all incredibly kind. </em></p><p>
  <em>Velis, I'd trust with my life. </em>
</p><p>"He doesn't need me. No, that's not it. He's better without me, and I feel like everyone knows it but him. I feel a minute away from fading. I would have faded sooner but Alec was with me, and it wasn't so bad when he was there. All the rooms feel so empty. But this isn't normal." He moves his gaze from the stars that remind him of Alec and looks desperately at the Shadowhunter seated next to him, the one who was angry. "I lived and learned for a very long time. I'm not like this, I kept away from fading and I've gained wisdom from those years. This... this is so confusing, it's not something I can change."</p><p>"No, it's not." The shaking anger changed completely now to a soothing, wistful voice. "You're putting Alec on a pedestal. He's not something you don't deserve." Magnus felt indignance and offense rise in him. Velis spoke faster.</p><p>"You say he doesn't need you, or that he's better off without you. You're wrong. Both times, you're wrong. He needs you to grow, and he's doing it marvelously with you. He's broken free of his parents' rules and teachings because of you. He treats Downworlders so differently, and it was because of you that he changed. It's not something he can do on his own, he has to do it himself, but he can't do it alone. He needs you, Magnus, and for reasons beyond that. Reasons like the way he's better <em>with</em> you."</p><p>"No, he's not."</p><p>"Yes, he is."</p><p>"No."</p><p>Velis Lo wonders how it is that these two men are so incredibly foolish on their own. It's maddening. There's Magnus, sitting on the ledge and shaking his head because he genuinely believes he's not good for Alec. Utter madness threatens to scream again, but with an intake of breath, the resentment is pushed away. "He can't believe anyone could love him. He's had trouble accepting himself the way you accept him. You've freed him. He's had to hide from his parents and his own parabatai. Before you, no one l—no one he loved would love him back the same way. And though he doubts you, it's always because he thinks highly of you and wants you to have the best—"</p><p>Magnus's breath hitches, but he holds back from crying.</p><p>"... he wants you to be happiest, Magnus. He's trying to help you. Alec loves his family, but he only really needs Izzy, and he's always had her support. Do you really think he wants them to like him again? Enough to leave you alone for two weeks?" When Magnus stares back, stunned, the smaller figure slumps in the dark.</p><p>"Don't tell me. You thought you tore Alec away from his family and that he wants to be back with them."</p><p>Yes. That was the truth. The price that Alec has to pay to be with him, that he was trying to retrieve now.</p><p>"You—oh, I can't believe this. I ca—I really can't, just—" There's an annoyed huff. "Alec isn't close to his family. They don't even know him, how can they be close? He's grown, and I assure you, he resents the prejudiced teaching they gave him about Downworlders and Shadowhunters. An ultra-conservative perspective of how a proper man is, not to mention a Nephilim. He's not doing this for them. It's for you, for them to respect you and accept you being with him. And it's not because he cares what they think, but because he doesn't want you to worry about what they think, and if a two-week vacation with them will help even a little, he will do it. He doesn't tell you because he's not searching for gratitude, he's being completely selfless here.</p><p>"Your mistake was assuming that he had a lot to lose by being with you. The truth is, he didn't have most of what you think he did to begin with. With you, he gained even more than you can know." A comforting hand rubbed his shoulder twice and then there was a flurry of movement before the hand splayed open in front of him like an offering. "Come. I've been a poor host; you should never feel alone while in this house. I know a place you might be interested in. Or maybe just for your cats."</p><p>The warlock didn't have more tears in his eyes. What Velis had said is a revelation for him and a well-founded answer. The more he questioned it, the more probable it seemed. His memory didn't contradict anything. The sting of his anxiety and stress left his heart sore, but it was fading now with the balm of hope.</p><p>Magnus turned around in his seat and then stood up, clasping hands with his host.</p><p>***</p><p>It didn't stop being hard, but it did stop being so lonely. Maybe it was because he left his room more and spoke with other inhabitants in the house or maybe it was because he stopped feeling the burden of having to hide. No matter what, Velis would wait out the night with him and push for Magnus to speak his heart. It never seemed like the Shadowhunter was exhausted by his insecurities, though there were moments when he'd bring up an assumption and the other would be quick to berate and correct him. A nice mix of tender and tough loving. Alec was fortunate to have such a friend, and now he was, too.</p><p>The fortnight of waiting was finally coming to a close. Magnus and Margery were waiting outside the manor-like house. Velis claimed to be preparing the table to eat what Margery whipped up but was taking a long time. Magnus questioned this.</p><p>"Probably misplaced the cake knife. Happens all the time." Eventually, Velis joined them, freshened up from last night. Margery gravitated to her parabatai, and something about it was strange to Magnus. It seemed like Margery was acting supportive bordering on protective, she even wrapped her arm around Velis's shoulders and held her chin up high in ready defiance. However, there was no one present to provoke such a reaction.</p><p>But Margery is Velis's parabatai. If anyone could tell something was wrong with the Lo member, it was her. Magnus himself waved it aside because the nights with Velis never felt off, and with no previous sign, it was pushed to the back of his mind completely when Alec arrived.</p><p>His boyfriend somehow looked even more attractive than he remembered. His skin was glowing in the sunset and his eyes looked so tired and yet bright. The piece of himself he felt gone these fourteen days slid back in as he soaked in his relief at seeing him again and kissed Alec deeply. When he pulled away, he noticed Alec had also seemed more relaxed after that but not wholly recovered from his trip. He didn't notice the two Shadowhunters tensing on the sidelines, or how one gave up and chose to look away completely. </p><p>The baker greeted Alec and so did the head of the house. It felt too formal, so Magnus cut in.</p><p>"Alright, I love kissing you and all, but there's a buffet waiting for me in the dining room and you're not making me late." Of course, the buffet was for Alec and made by Velis and Margery (more like just Margery while Velis took care of organizing the creations the kind woman made), but he wanted Alec to get back into their swing of things. There had barely been a reaction to the kiss, but Alec kissed him back and <em>he</em> was back so Magnus was satisfied. Staying at the Lo Household without Alec probably influenced his idea of love, since seeing everyone cater to the needs of others and live in relative bliss despite fights and arguments made him wonder what that would be like with Alec. His sharp tongue would probably bring him back to reality, but right now Magnus wanted to cater to his tired lover.</p><p>He took him by the wrist and walked into the manor's entrance. A few halls and turns later, they made it. He recognized some others who were seated at the table to welcome Alec's return; Grayson (Gray), Julianna (Jules), and Ezekiel (Zeke). Apparently, they weren't allowed to eat unless everyone was there and they prayed grace. It wasn't hard to see that the family knew him and many wanted to talk to him. He, too, was talking with them and eating. It wasn't his usual act, but apparently he didn't need to act here to be accepted and cared for. Their talk could stand to wait a few hours.</p><p>In fact, it would probably be hours since Alec excused himself and told Magnus he would go to him afterward, <em>please wait a little longer</em>. With his absence, the chatter at the table dispersed into friend groups, so Magnus spoke with the friends who made his stay bearable. Quietly, Velis stood with a murmur of "excuse me." Margery ran a hand down her arm and an encouraging smile, teasing her friend for leaving early.</p><p>"You're going to miss the cheesecake." Instantly, Magnus sat up straighter. </p><p>"Cheesecake? Margery, you are truly divine, where is it?"</p><p>So Velis slipped out with no further notice thanks to Margery's distraction. Good, Magnus needn't put two and two together and lose trust in anyone. When Alec arrived, he swiftly glanced at Velis who stood watching him. Then Magnus had interrupted the silent communication, and it went unsaid that they would reconvene later. Alec left the buffet, and it couldn't have been more obvious that it had been his hint. After a few more turns, Alec came into view. It was a little wonder; many deep conversations occurred between the two of them at this spot. Perhaps that is what guided Velis here.</p><p>"He's well. Eats a lot and no oversized eye bags. Energetic," Alec began listing.</p><p>"I know. How about you?"</p><p>"...I don't know." Alarms ring.</p><p>"Alec. what happened?"</p><p>"I—" he sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making the hairs on Velis's arm stand up. "I wish I could say it all went well and that that was the end of it, but..."</p><p>"But what?" said a now-soft voice.</p><p>"I don't know why he would want me," he admitted. "Being with me takes a toll on him and it's because I'm too weak. I'm not brave enough for him to correct others when they judge him or stand how deep my feelings are when they doubt us. I always just turn my head the other way, and I... I'm ashamed of it. Ashamed of how little I stick up for him. I tell him I love him so much, and I do—" Velis's heart suffocates, "—but how can he believe me when I don't show it in every way I should? What if I never change and he thinks I don't love him? <em>I can't lose him</em>, Velis."</p><p>
  <em>Why me? Why are you doing this to me? </em>
</p><p>"You two are so miserable. I know how much you love him, Alec. Out of anyone else, I know you truly love Magnus." <em>How could I not?</em> "But for some reason, both of you doubt each other's love. Yes, I say this because I know it to be a fact. He's confided in me many times as you have and I had to knock it into his thick, ancient skull that you treasure him and are better with him. Now, allow me to knock the same into your stupid head that Magnus adores you. He thinks you're absolutely precious—every part of you. Your snark, cuddles (he says, not me), and something about your eye changing colors."</p><p>"It makes me happy to hear all that, but I'm just worried that he won't trust my feelings." Velis looked down, reluctant to respond but knowing it was something he had to hear.</p><p>"I'm not going to say your worries are unfounded, but you don't have it all right, either. He believed he was competing with your family's place in your life." Alec looked alarmed, causing the Shadowhunter to raise placating hands in the air. "But it's alright! I explained that you were closest to Izzy and already had the familial support you needed in your life. He knows that's not the truth now. It made staying here easier for him because I think he didn't want to cause you any pain from separation and was punishing himself. He's eating as he should now and sleeping sufficient hours. Seriously, though, we talked it over many times and he doesn't doubt you anymore. Still might wanna talk with him yourself, just for closure."</p><p>Alec embraced the smaller Lo, his tremors shaking the both of them.</p><p>"You did that for me? You're so brilliant, Velis. God, you don't realize how much that means to me. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, <em>thank you</em>." </p><p>And Velis's eyes closed in shame, realizing once again: <em>this. This is why</em>.</p><p>"You're welcome."</p><p>And when he returned to the feast, Velis stayed in the corner of the room. Tears welled up in eyes full of pain, rolling down a tortured face when trusted arms showed it was safe. Margery had wordlessly walked into the room, guided by their rune to her parabatai's side by sensing the pain her soul's twin was in. And in her arms, Velis broke.</p>
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